Cullen's Birthday
Back to Sigma


Overview


Cullen's Birthday is precisely what it sounds like: a series of interactive birthday presents for my younger brother, Cullen. Pre-2019 episodes can be downloaded here, but nfo documentation is available for them, and many of them were left unfinished.

During 2019 and beyond with Todborne, I finalized plans for a proper total conversion of Starcraft that would replace Terrans with Police and Zerg with Anime. Though this total conversion is still far from actual completion, current and future installments of Cullen's Birthday will reflect this change in design philosophy and be centered around RTS gameplay within which players will explore the new techtrees and thematics of the available races. A tertiary race, the Void, will be developed sometime in the future.

Character Listing

Cullen
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The protagonist and birthday present recipient of Cullen's Birthday, Cullen is a young boy — for now. Will he ascend to manhood and conquer the anime football team? Only time will tell.

Darion
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The paradoxically-bald brother of Cullen, Darion is also the creator of Cullen's Birthday, and streams to over ten thousand viewers while Patrick screams racial slurs. He acts as Cullen's backup, with his skills as a presumably-competent RTS player coming in handy when micromanaging mongoloid police officers in the fight against the anime.

Dad
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My father.

Mom
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Why's my mom in this campaign?

Mongo
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A mysterious anime warlord from the Void!!!

Kraak
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He speaks now.

Torpedus
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Who is this progressive man?

Ackmed Saugatuck
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What would any project be without Ackmed? Certainly not one worthy of being a birthday present, I tell you what!

The Police

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A standard-issue donut mining operation
click for big

Units

Engineer
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  • Role: worker, trained at Station
  • Stats: 60 HP, 0 armor, small size, 7 vision range
  • Weapon: 5 normal damage, 1 second cooldown, melee range, ground targets
  • Costs: 50 donuts, 1 supply, 12.5 seconds, 1 transport space
  • Ability: repairs damaged mechanical units and structures
  • Behavior: repairs at double speed (requires upgrade)
  • Repair
    • Orders the Engineer to repair the target mechanical unit or structure.
  • Handyman
    • Engineers have 200% repair rate.
Officer
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  • Role: basic infantry, trained at Academy
  • Stats: 45 HP, 0 armor, small size, 7 vision range
  • Weapon: 6+1 normal damage, 1 second cooldown, 4 range, air and ground targets
  • Costs: 50 donuts, 1 supply, 15 seconds, 1 transport space
  • Behavior: use a taser against melee-range enemies (requires upgrade)
  • Police Brutality
    • Officers are legally allowed to use tasers in close-quarters combat, dealing 10 concussive damage to the target.
Barker
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  • Role: melee infantry, trained at Doghouse
  • Stats: 50 HP, 0 armor, small size, 9 vision range
  • Weapon: 8+2 concussive damage, 0.53 second cooldown, melee range, ground targets
  • Costs: 50 donuts, 1 supply, 15 seconds, 1 transport space
  • Ability: can be mounted by Officers (requires upgrade)
  • Saddle Up!
    • Orders the Barker to be mounted by the target Officer, becoming a Lawhound.

Lawhound

  • Role: hybrid infantry, merge of Officer and Barker
  • Stats: 90 HP, 1 armor, small size, 9 vision range
  • Weapon 1: 6+1 normal damage, 1 second cooldown, 5 range, air and ground targets
  • Weapon 2: 8+2 concussive damage, 0.53 second cooldown, melee range, ground targets
  • Ability: can dismount into Officer and Barker
  • Heel!
    • Orders the Officer dismounts the Barker.
SWAT Trooper
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  • Role: frontline infantry, trained at SWAT Post
  • Stats: 50 HP, 1 armor, small size, 7 vision range
  • Weapon: 12+2 damage, 1.46 second cooldown, normal damage type, 3 range, ground targets
  • Costs: 75 donuts, 50 coffee grounds, 1 supply, 20 seconds, 2 transport space
  • Behavior: increased survivability and medium size (requires upgrade)
  • Super Suit
    • SWAT Troopers have been outfitted with a super suit, granting them 15 bonus health, 1 bonus armor, and an armor class designed to halve the damage from Reddit attacks.
Paramedic
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  • Role: support infantry, trained at Infirmary
  • Stats: 60 HP, 200 energy, 1 armor, small size, 9 vision range
  • Weapon: 8+1 normal damage, 1.46 second cooldown, melee range, ground targets
  • Costs: 50 donuts, 50 coffee grounds, 1 supply, 18.75 seconds, 1 transport space
  • Ability: throw healing chicken at target unit or area, healing all targets in 96px radius for 40HP over 4 seconds
  • Behavior: increased survivability and melee attack (requires upgrade)
  • Emergency Chicken
    • Deploys a chicken leg at the target site, healing all organics within 3 range of the poultry's impact for up to 40HP over 4 seconds. Costs 75 energy.
  • Female Privilege
    • Paramedics have been promoted to Rangers and have +10 HP, +1 armor, and a close-range attack.
  • Kenyan Training
    • Paramedics have 150% movement speed.
Bearblower
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  • Role: heavy infantry, trained at Deep Office
  • Stats: 80 HP, 40 shields, 1 armor, medium size, 8 vision range
  • Weapon: 3x(6+1) normal area damage, 1.46 second cooldown, 5 range, ground targets
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 50 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 24 seconds, 2 transport space
  • Behavior: can be repaired AND healed
  • Flexible Recipient
    • Bearblowers can be repaired by Engineers, healed by Emergency Chicken, and restored by Red Meat.
Bazookabike
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  • Role: harassment vehicle, trained at Garage
  • Stats: 85 HP, 0 armor, small size, 8 vision range
  • Weapon: 20+4 explosive damage, 2 second cooldown, 5 range, ground targets
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 50 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 21.5 seconds, 2 transport space
  • Behavior: attacks air units (requires upgrade)
  • Oppression Training
    • Bazookabikes can attack air targets.
Ackmech
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  • Role: frontline walker, trained at Chicken Coop
  • Stats: 140 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 vision range
  • Weapon: 20+4 concussive damage, 1.8 second cooldown, 3 range, ground targets
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 30 seconds, 2 transport space
  • Behavior: units that suffer more than 25 damage within 3 seconds cause an explosion that deals 10+2 explosive damage to all units within 96 pixels (requires upgrade)
  • Fire of the Gods
    • When a target suffers more than 25 damage from Ackmech flamethrowers, fire explodes on them, dealing 10+2 explosive damage to all targets within 3 range of the victim.
Halo
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  • Role: hovering tank, trained at Copywriter
  • Stats: 150 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 vision range
  • Weapon: 20+2 explosive damage, 1.46 second cooldown, 5 range, ground targets
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 30 seconds, 4 transport space
  • Behavior: fires on the move
  • Patent Absurdity
    • Halos can attack while moving. Wholly original, right?
Smashburger
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  • Role: artillery, trained at Choir Hall
  • Stats: 150 HP, 1 armor, large size, 7 vision range
  • Weapon: 40+4 explosive damage, 2 second cooldown, 6 range, ground targets
  • Costs: 200 donuts, 125 coffee grounds, 3 supply, 36 seconds, 4 transport space
  • Behavior: victims spawn a healing pool of burger juice
  • Red Meat
    • Combatants killed by Smashburger cannons leave behind a small pool of nutritious burger juice that heals organics over time. The pool lasts for 10 seconds.

Buzzchopper

  • Role: ranged aircraft, trained at Air Accessor
  • Stats: 125 HP, 1 armor, medium size, 8 vision range
  • Weapon: 9+3 normal damage, 1.46 second cooldown, 5 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 25 seconds

Ice Cream Truck

  • Role: hovering transport, trained at Air Accessor
  • Stats: 200 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 vision range
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 25 seconds
  • Behavior: heals garrisoned infantry
  • Staying Frosty
    • Infantry loaded into Ice Cream Trucks are healed over time.

Buildings

Station
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  • Role: town center, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 1500 HP, 1 armor, large size, 10 sight range, +12 supply
  • Costs: 400 donuts, 75 seconds
  • Tech: unlocks Academy, Armory
Donut Shop
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  • Role: supply structure, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 600 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range, +11 supply
  • Costs: 125 donuts, 30 seconds
Dispenser
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  • Role: coffee grinder, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 750 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 25 seconds
Academy
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  • Role: infantry production, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 1000 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 50 seconds
  • Tech: unlocks Bunker, Garage, Air Accessor
  • Addons: Doghouse, Infirmary, SWAT Post, Deep Office
Infirmary
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  • Role: support infantry production, built from Academy
  • Stats: 700 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 50 donuts, 50 coffee grounds, 25 seconds
SWAT Post
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  • Role: frontline infantry production, built from Academy
  • Stats: 700 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 25 seconds
Doghouse
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  • Role: melee infantry production, built from Academy
  • Stats: 500 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 25 seconds
Deep Office
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  • Role: specialist infantry production, built from Academy
  • Stats: 500 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 25 seconds
Armory
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  • Role: infantry enhancement, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 850 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 37.5 seconds
  • Tech: unlocks Warden, SWAT Post
Warden
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  • Role: base defense, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 200 HP, 1 armor, large size, 11 sight range
  • Weapon: 15+3 normal damage, 1 second cooldown, 5 range, ground and air units
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 50 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 18.75 seconds
Bunker
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  • Role: garrison, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 350 HP, 1 armor, large size, 10 sight range
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 18.75 seconds
Garage
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  • Role: vehicle production, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 750 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 150 coffee grounds, 40 seconds
  • Tech: unlocks Arms Racist
  • Addons: Chicken Coop, Copywriter, Choir Hall
Chicken Coop
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  • Role: walker production, built from Garage
  • Stats: 600 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 50 coffee grounds, 30 seconds
Copywriter
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  • Role: tank production, built from Garage
  • Stats: 750 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 50 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 30 seconds
Choir Hall
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  • Role: artillery production, built from Garage
  • Stats: 750 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 30 seconds
Arms Racist
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  • Role: vehicle enhancement, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 750 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 50 coffee grounds, 50 seconds
Air Accessor
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  • Role: aircraft production, built by Engineer
  • Stats: 1250 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 200 donuts, 150 coffee grounds, 50 seconds
  • Addons: Wuckery
Wuckery
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  • Role: bomber production, built from Air Accessor
  • Stats: 750 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 25 seconds

The Anime

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Look at these pizza-thighing degenerates!
click for big

Units

Cosplayer
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  • Role: worker, trained at Imageboard
  • Stats: 45 HP, 0 armor, small size, 7 vision range
  • Weapon: 3+1 concussive damage, 0.53 second cooldown, melee range, ground targets
  • Costs: 50 donuts, 1 supply, 12.5 seconds, 1 transport space
  • Behavior: increased movement speed when not harvesting or returning resources (requires upgrade)
  • Free At Last
    • Cosplayers are no longer oppressed and gain 150% movement speed when not harvesting or returning resources.
Reddit Spammer
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  • Role: fodder infantry, trained at Reddit Subforum
  • Stats: 20 HP, 0 armor, small size, 5 sight range
  • Weapon: 4+1 concussive damage, 0.53 second cooldown, melee range, ground targets
  • Costs: 20 donuts, 0 supply, 5 seconds, 1 transport space
  • Behavior: revives 2 seconds after death (requires upgrade)
  • Alternate Account
    • Spammers log into their alternate account 2 seconds after death, reviving at full health.
Reddit Subscriber
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  • Role: ranged infantry, trained at Reddit Subforum
  • Stats: 30 HP, 0 armor, small size, 5 sight range
  • Weapon: 4+1 concussive damage, 0.53 second cooldown, 2 range, ground targets
  • Costs: 30 donuts, 0.5 supply, 8 seconds, 1 transport space
  • Behavior: attacks rend 0.5 armor per hit (requires upgrade)
  • Expose Secret
    • Subscribers use their internet know-how to expose their targets, rending 0.5 armor per attack. Exposed secrets expire after 3 seconds of not being refreshed.
Reddit Patron
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  • Role: aerial fodder, trained at Reddit Subforum
  • Stats: 45 HP, 0 armor, small size, 6 vision range
  • Weapon: 6+2 normal splash damage, 1.46 second cooldown, 1 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 25 donuts, 25 coffee grounds, 1 supply, 8 seconds
  • Behavior: homes in on targets (requires upgrade)
  • Prime Delivery
    • Patrons pay for express shipping and have 150% movement speed when they receive an attack order.
Reddit Moderator
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  • Role: aerial harasser, trained at Reddit Subforum
  • Stats: 80 HP, 1 armor, small size, 7 vision range
  • Weapon: 3+1 normal damage, 0.8 second cooldown, 3 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 25 donuts, 75 coffee grounds, 1 supply, 12 seconds
  • Behavior 1: attacks slow targets (requires upgrade)
  • Behavior 2: targets radiate slow stacks upon death (requires upgrade)
  • Unbiased Moderation
    • Moderator attacks add stacks of severity to targets, slowing their movement and attack speeds by 5% for each hit. Severity stacks expire after 2 seconds of not being refreshed.
  • Severity Overload
    • After 10 stacks of severity or upon death, targets radiate half of their severity to all combatants within 3 weapon range.

Reddit Admin

  • Role: spastic strider, trained at Reddit Subforum
  • Stats: 120 HP, 1 armor, medium size, 8 vision range
  • Weapon: 4+1 normal damage per attack, 1.24 second cooldown, 4 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 125 donuts, 75 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 18 seconds
  • Behavior 1: attacks up to 3 units simultaneously
  • Behavior 2: attacks disables buildings (requires upgrade)
  • Multiple Monitors
    • Admins expertly respond to up to 3 reports simultaneously.
  • Quarantine
    • Structures attacked by Admins are rendered powerless. This effect expires after 5 seconds of not being attacked by an Admin.
Fanboy
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  • Role: ranged infantry, trained at Slack Group
  • Stats: 60 HP, 0 armor, small size, 6 vision range
  • Weapon: 6+1 normal damage, 1 second cooldown, 3 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 75 donuts, 1 supply, 15 seconds, 1 transport space
  • Behavior: charges to the nearest hostile and exploding after 2 seconds, dealing 10+1 explosive damage in 48 pixels (requires upgrade)
  • Death Wish
    • Fanboys become catatonic on death, charging to the nearest hostile and exploding after 2 seconds, dealing 10+1 explosive damage to all combatants within 2 weapon range.
Activist
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  • Role: anti-establishment infantry, trained at Slack Group
  • Stats: 55 HP, 0 armor, small size, 7 vision range
  • Weapon: 8+1 explosive damage, 1 second cooldown, 4 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 50 donuts, 25 coffee grounds, 1 supply, 18.75 seconds, 1 transport space
  • Behavior: attacks create a 32px damage field, dealing 3+1 concussive damage per second to all targets (requires upgrade)
  • Feeling the Bern
    • Activist attacks set fire to the terrain around the target, dealing 3+1 concussive damage per second to all ground combatants within 2 weapon range. The fire expires 2 seconds after no nearby fires have been lit.
Furry
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  • Role: frontline infantry, trained at Slack Group
  • Stats: 69 HP, 3 armor, small size, 6 vision range
  • Weapon: 9+3 normal damage, 1 second cooldown, melee range, ground targets
  • Costs: 75 donuts, 2 supply, 18.75 seconds, 2 transport space
  • Behavior: gains increased movement speed (requires upgrade)
  • Primal Urges
    • Furries are just dying to yiff and have 150% movement speed.
Smoochie Boy
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  • Role: ranged mongol, trained at Slack Group
  • Stats: 110 HP, 1 armor, medium size, 8 vision range
  • Weapon: 15+3 explosive splash damage, 1.6 second cooldown, 3.5 range, ground targets
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 30 seconds, 4 transport space
  • Behavior 1: hovers over impassable terrain (still considered a ground unit)
  • Behavior 2: attacks bounce to up to 2 bonus targets (requires upgrade)
  • Contagious Kisses
    • Smoochie Boy kisses bounce to up to 2 nearby cuties, dealing 33% reduced damage per bounce.

Games Journalist

  • Role: aerial transport, trained at Slack Group
  • Stats: 180 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 vision range, 8 transport space
  • Costs: 125 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 2 supply, 30 seconds
  • Behavior 1: adds +1 armor to allied units within 192px
  • Behavior 2: gains +4 transport space (requires upgrade)
  • Patreon Donations
    • Games Journalists add +1 armor to allied combatants within 6 weapon range.
  • Bribery
    • Games Journalists have been bribed to carry up to 4 more degenerates.
Fanfiction Editor
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  • Role: frontline strider, trained at Fanfiction Lounge
  • Stats: 85 HP, 0 armor, medium size, 6 vision range
  • Weapon: 12+2 normal damage, 0.53 second cooldown, melee range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 25 coffee grounds, 1 supply, 20 seconds, 2 transport space
  • Behavior: teleports behind targets every 3 seconds (requires upgrade)
  • Nothing Personnel
    • Editors teleport behind you once every 3 seconds.
Fanfiction Author
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  • Role: siege strider, trained at Fanfiction Lounge
  • Stats: 333 HP, 3 armor, large size, 10 vision range
  • Weapon: 100+3 explosive beam damage, 5 second cooldown, 7 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 200 donuts, 200 coffee grounds, 6 supply, 37.5 seconds, 4 transport space
Fanfiction Publisher
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  • Role: heavy fighter, trained at Fanfiction Lounge
  • Stats: 225 HP, 2 armor, large size, 8 vision range
  • Weapon: 10+2 explosive damage per attack, 2 second cooldown, 5 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 200 donuts, 125 coffee grounds, 3 supply, 30 seconds
  • Behavior 1: attacks radiate outwards every 32px, stopping at 160px
  • Behavior 2: gains up to +3 range (requires upgrade)
  • No Standards
    • Publishers approve every piece of fanfiction they can find, resulting in a circle of explosive feces that engulfs the battlefield around them. Publisher attacks radiate outwards, exploding every 1 weapon range until it reaches its maximum range.
Fanclub Owner
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  • Role: melee raid boss, trained at Fanclub
  • Stats: 400 HP, 200 shields, 2 armor, large size, 7 vision range
  • Weapon: 39+3 explosive splash damage, 1 second cooldown, melee range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 250 donuts, 150 coffee grounds, 6 supply, 37.5 seconds, 4 transport space

Buildings

Facebook Page
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  • Role: Town center, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 1500 HP, 1 armor, large size, 9 sight range, +10 supply
  • Costs: 400 donuts, 75 seconds
Viewing Party
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  • Role: Town center, built from Facebook Page
  • Stats: 2000 HP, 1 armor, large size, 10 sight range, +20 supply
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 62.5 seconds
Convention Center
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  • Role: Town center, built from Viewing Party
  • Stats: 2500 HP, 1 armor, large size, 11 sight range, +30 supply
  • Costs: 200 donuts, 150 cofee grounds, 75 seconds
Crafts Store
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  • Role: Secondary worker production, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 325 HP, 1 armor, large size, 6 sight range, +6 supply
  • Costs: 75 donuts, 75 coffee grounds, 20 seconds
Land Whale
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  • Role: Coffee drinker, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 750 HP, 1 armor, large size, 7 sight range
  • Costs: 50 donuts, 25 seconds
Slack Group
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  • Role: Universal troop production, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 850 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range, +6 supply
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 37.5 seconds
Reddit Subforum
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  • Role: Aligned troop production, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 600 HP, 1 armor, large size, 7 sight range, +6 supply
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 30 seconds
Fanfiction Lounge
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  • Role: Aligned troop production, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 950 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range, +8 supply
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 50 coffee grounds, 37.5 seconds
Kissing Station
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  • Role: Troop enhancement, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 700 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 vision range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 30 seconds
Twitter Account
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  • Role: Defensive tower, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 250 HP, 1 armor, large size, 9 vision range
  • Weapon: 15+1 normal damage, 1.46 second cooldown, 7 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 1 supply, 18.75 seconds
Queer Nest
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  • Role: Universal troop research, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 900 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 150 coffee grounds, 37.5 seconds
Reddit Public Relations
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  • Role: Aligned troop research, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 800 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 150 coffee grounds, 45 seconds
Dragonball Altar
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  • Role: Aligned troop research, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 1150 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 200 coffee grounds, 45 seconds
Fanclub
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  • Role: Specialist production, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 1000 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 vision range
  • Costs: 300 donuts, 150 coffee grounds, 75 seconds
Reddit Damage Controller
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  • Role: Aligned specialist research, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 900 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 sight range
  • Costs: 200 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 60 seconds
Beholder's Eye
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  • Role: Aligned specialist research, built by Cosplayer
  • Stats: 1200 HP, 1 armor, large size, 11 sight range
  • Costs: 150 donuts, 300 coffee grounds, 60 seconds

The Unaligned

Units

Crow
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  • Role: Fucking prank
  • Stats: 69 HP, 42 armor, small size, 7 vision range
  • Behavior: on death, caws
Donut Beast
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  • Role: uhh
  • Stats: 42 HP, 69 armor, large size, 7 vision range
  • Behavior: on death, screams
Voidcawer
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  • Role: Voidbringer, emerges from Retcon Orifice
  • Stats: 80 HP, 120 shields, 1 armor, medium size, 9 vision range
  • Weapon: 16+2 normal splash damage, 2 second cooldown, 4 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 1 supply, 20 seconds
  • Behavior: on death, voids all non-heroic units within 32px
Voidwucker
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  • Role: Wuckmaker, emerges from Retcon Orifice
  • Stats: 125 HP, 1 armor, medium size, 7 vision range
  • Weapon: 2x(10+1) normal damage, 1.46 second cooldown, melee range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 100 donuts, 2 supply, 31.25 seconds
Voidseeker
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  • Role: Prophetic craft, emerges from Retcon Orifice
  • Stats: 200 HP, 2 armor, large size, 9 vision range
  • Weapon: 4x(8+1) normal damage, 2.2 second cooldown, 4 range, ground and air targets
  • Costs: 250 donuts, 100 coffee grounds, 3 supply, 37.5 seconds

Buildings

Oritemple
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  • Role: Unknown…
  • Stats: 750 HP, 1 armor, large size, 8 vision range
Retcon Orifice
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  • Role: Unknown…
  • Stats: 333 HP, 333 shields, 3 armor, large size, 8 vision range, +30 supply
  • Costs: 33 seconds

Equipment

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Throw a dog at 'em!
click for big


When playing in multiplayer mode, players are able to directly command Cullen by sorting themselves into the last player slot in the allied force. In such a case, players control only Cullen and any subsequent summons. One quarter of income earned by macro allies is duplicated for the micro player, and allied kills on Void enemies grant one quarter of the slain unit's costs to the micro player.

The micro player can spend resources on statistical upgrades (e.g. damage, range, speed, regeneration), or reserve larger sums to purchase entirely new equipment. Statistical upgrades apply to all equipment to incentivize players to experiment and to mix and match.

Equipment is purchasable from a custom menu that is only interactable when Cullen is within 128px (4 weapon range) of an allied production structure. This does not include addons.

Weapons

Can only equip one at a time.

The Goodboy

  • Who's a good boy? And where is he?
  • 18+4 concussive damage; 5 range; increases allied Barker, Lawhound, and Hiway movement speeds for 5 seconds

Explosive Donuts

  • How can something so tasty hurt so much?
  • 4x(8+1) explosive damage; 6 range

Steeled Spatula

  • The ultimate breakfast sandwich.
  • 20+2 normal damage; melee range; every 2nd hit on a target stuns them for 2 seconds

Death By Dough

  • Oh boy, pizza!
  • 2x(10+2) normal damage; 5 range; after 4 hits, burns targets for an extra 5+1 damage (ignores armor)

Armors

Can only equip one at a time.

Hide Coat

  • The best bit of all time.
  • Small size; Enables Hide and Go Seek; Cullen toggles cloaking between kills

Frosted Steel

  • I was frozen today.
  • Large size; +60 shields; +2 base armor; melee attackers have their movement and attack speeds slowed by 33%

Feathered Friend

  • Are you wearing a chicken?
  • Medium size; +1 base armor; Enables Morning Glory; stuns nearby targets for 5 seconds (costs 75 energy)

Cooking Thighs

  • You just wake up and you have a pizza!
  • Large size; +4 base armor; grants triple HP regen

Utilities

Can only equip two at a time.

Build-A-Dog

  • At least my father has his priorities straight.
  • Enables Clone Dog; throws a dog clone at the target, dealing 35 damage (ignores armor) and summoning Hiway

Rescue Program

  • You're gonna be my dog!
  • Rescues the target from their owner, permanently taking control of them; costs 50 energy

Boston Creme

  • Dunk these donuts!
  • Adds icing to the hero's attacks, causing attacks to ignore armor and reducing the armor of targets by 0.5 per hit; drains energy while active

Sugar Rush

  • You want me to walk?
  • Switches place with the target, creating a sinkhole of icing at the hero's destination that deals 5+1 normal damage per second for 10 seconds; costs 75 energy

Chicken Legs

  • Are these from some kind of robot chicken?
  • +2 attack range if using ranged weapon; +50% movement speed if using melee weapon

Kenyan Special

  • Chuck that chicken!
  • Chucks a chicken at the target that lays up to 5 explosive eggs on its flight path before impact, dealing 45+2 normal damage

Dadwish

  • You're bringing me pizza? …Right?
  • Promises pizza to nearby allies, granting them 250% life regeneration; drains energy while active

Pepperoni Puncheroni

  • It's not delivery, it's death!
  • Rains pizza toppings down on all enemies within 4 weapon range, dealing 8+1 explosive damage per hit; drains energy while active

Universal Upgrades

Upgrades that affect all units and equipment

Coming soon.


Todborne

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At the advent of Tod's void, the anime clans have fallen into utter disarray. Cullen must take this opportunity to force the vile fiends out of his hometown for good, but even his brother can not foresee what lies ahead….

1. The Threepeat

SIZE: 128x128
DIRECTION: small police macro; 2v2
LOCATION: outside Cullen's house
FORCES: Cullen & Darion, Mongo's Memes, Kraak's Kretins

In the aftermath of Tod's retconning, the anime clans are in disarray, and Cullen sets out on his third quest to restore his city to glory.

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Just as the forces of the Anime are scattered and aimless, so too are Cullen's objectives. After falling for a prank call crafted by his brother, the young lieutenant is confronted by two warlords of the warring Anime clans, and it becomes clear that the Medford Police must once again do battle with their arch nemeses.

Of the belligerent clans, one is lead by Mongo, a petulant organism with an explosive personality and a diminutive stature. Though it is unknown how this creature is able to exert such control over the Anime, it is clear that a great hatred exists between the 9gag Admin and his fellow clan leader, Kraak. As the owner of the resident Fanclub, Kraak maintains a tight grip over fanfiction distribution and oversees all publications, no matter how banal. His Kretins are battle-hardened, but few in number when compared to Mongo's Memes.

Yet even as the Anime clans fight among themselves, the deadly degenerates within their ranks are a greater threat than one man (or boy) can answer. After a sizable battle and with the combined strength of his and Darion's forces, Cullen crushes the opposition, sending Kraak packing and taking Mongo into custody. The two brothers then return to City Hall with their prisoner in tow.

2. From Mike with Love

SIZE: 160x128
DIRECTION: medium police macro; 3v3 -> 4v2
LOCATION: city hall (briefing), Rite Aid
FORCES: Cullen & Darion, Mike's Men, Mongo's Memes, Kraak's Kretins, Torpedus's Troglodytes
After bringing Mongo into custody, the two brothers travel to a derelict pharmacy in search of a skeleton.

As Mongo recovers from the beatdown given to him by Dad, Cullen and Darion are sent to Rite Aid, the last known location of a golfing skeleton named Mike. Though presumed dead, and though actually dead since he's a fucking skeleton, Mike greets the two brothers upon their arrival to the storefront, informing them of the extensive damage Rite Aid has suffered at the hands of the Anime. Kraak's forces are soon encountered, along with a group of mind-controlled 9gaggers, but the true master of this scheme is not immediately apparent….

Torpedus! A twice-africanized gay icon of extreme diversity has engineered a plot so despicable that it offends even Mongo. The 9gaggers under Torpedus's thrall are dominated by a Satellite Tower that broadcasts low-quality memes directly to their feeds. Though Mongo implores the policemen to spare his subjects and to destroy the tower, the fate of the memers is ultimately left up to Cullen.

Though the battle is long and veiny, Cullen and Darion (and perhaps Mike and Mongo) claim victory over their most progressive foes yet, but once again fail to capture Kraak. Torpedus slips away as well, leaving the Medford Police with but one option: pursue!

3. Sacred Crows

SIZE: 192x192
DIRECTION: large police macro; 3v3v1
LOCATION: Smashburger
FORCES: Cullen & Darion, Mike's Men, Mongo's Memes, Kraak's Kretins, Torpedus' Troglodytes, Pitchford's Packers, 9gag Nonces
Cullen's Coalition travels to Smashburger, in hot pursuit of the Brogressive Brigade.

The surviving forces of this newly-formed coalition soon arrive in territory deeply familiar to Cullen and Darion: the one and only Smashburger. This once-glorious fortress of grease and beef has fallen under Anime control, and its liberation is decidedly long overdue. In facing their toughest challenge yet, Cullen and Darion, flanked by their surviving allies, must take on not one, not two, but THREE Anime clans: the fagmagoric fanfictioniers of Kraak, the aghast apes of Torpedus, and the carnivorous cowmongerers of the villainous Randy Pitchford.

Further complicating this conflict are the resident sex offenders, the 9gag Nonces. Though disowned by all clan leaders, this disorganized group of miscreants vies for dominance in the region, aiming to lure in young otakus with the promise of unlimited beef. Needless to say, they must be eradicated utterly. To make matters worse, Torpedus has already impressed several 9gaggers into his fold, bolstering the composition of his trio of tonyticklers.

Yet despite the odds being ever out of their favor, the Cullen Coalition claims a resounding victory over the assorted Animes, and takes one step closer to bringing Kraak to justice. No pair of handcuffs could shackle such a large specimen, but the defeated warlord recognizes his only recourse at this time of utter defeat, and goes willingly with the police as Torpedus and Randy make out and make off.

More coming soon.