Ackmed's Adventures
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Ackmed's Adventures are standalone installments of typically-short length that chronicle the quests and quarries of Ackmed Saugatuck. Though some bank data is stored across episodes, it is almost exclusively in service to digressive dialogue events, seeking to provide some measure of consistency between the player's actions in one episode and the characters' reactions in another.

Character Listing

Ackmed Saugatuck
Present in all episodes.
Everyone's favorite pickle farmer is both the titular character and the focal point of Ackmed's Adventures. As an unwitting deity and lover of melted midget meat, Ackmed deals in sanity first and sense second.

image coming soon
Present in all episodes.
A wandering Sigma fanclub member, Charlie is a simple Hydralisk that just wants to belong in this universe, having been orphaned by the voiding of Church long ago. Whether or not he'll find his place in this toxic wasteland is yet to be seen.

Artist Jozef
Present in all episodes.
In the darkest corners of the simulation, the mad architect of the universe spins endlessly.

Present in episode 1.
The physical and spiritual manifestation of Zerg, Zerghere is as enigmatic as it is calendared. This lesser god occasionally walks among mortals, but its porpoise is yet to be revealed.

Zag, the Zerg Hive
image coming soon
Present in episode 1.
Though it was thought defeated when Kyle joined the energies of the pizza and pineapple templar, it turns out Zag wasn't allergic to homosexuals after all. Clearly, Assadar has failed us. U must not.

More coming soon.

Episode 1 - Here Today, Zerg Tomorrow

Three(+1) years after the events of Brood War, the outer worlds of the Dominion report Zerg sightings. At the edges of the Koprulu sector, fanatical Protoss prepare to ascend their chains. Sitting atop a throne, forever unchallenged, Mengsk slowly degenerates.

After Raynor utterly fails to challenge the dictator's rule, an unlikely chicken chucker must rise to the occasion, and make a mockery of Starcraft II in the process. Fielding a combined army of his Kenyan Marauders and Raynor's Raiders, Ackmed Saugatuck promises to fuck Mengsk up or reincarnate trying.

Map 1 - Overdrive

SIZE: 160x160
DIRECTION: medium kenyan macro; 2v1 -> 2v2v1
LOCATION: Joeyray's Bar (briefing), Mar Sara -> Backwater Station
After finding his boss drunk and unconscious for the umpteenth time, a disgruntled Raider takes matters into his own hands.

It's time for Raynor to kick his revolution into overdrive. There's just one problem: he's drunk and passed out. Upon making this discovery, a lowly private calls in a favor with the universe's most fowl deity. After rallying his subjects, Ackmed journeys to the Raiders' base of operations to take on the Dominion garrison of Mar Sara and contest their possession of the keystone.

Once landed and established, Ackmed's Kenyans and the Raiders formerly known as Raynor's coordinate to destroy the enemy's three outlying mining posts. To spite them, the Dominion lieutenant has a fourth post constructed, only for it to be infested by Zerg. Though the aliens prove tenacious and the Dominion reinforcements stagger the chicken god's wrath, the Kenyans and the Raiders eventually prove victorious in clearing all Dominion forces from the local region.

Map 2 - The Bow and Stern Show

SIZE: 192x192
DIRECTION: medium kenyan macro; 2v1v1 -> 2v2v1v1
LOCATION: Joeyray's Bar (briefing), Mar Sara -> Frontwater Station

Though the hostile Terrans suffered a major defeat, they aren't ready to give up their control of Mar Sara just yet. Yet another complication presents itself in the form of more Zerg here; Ackmed heard the Protoss had just gotten back from a four year vacation, and they tend to glass infested Terran worlds. Ackmed phones Ashen to confirm Protoss activity and the Raiders envoy begins evacuation efforts while the chieftain's darker friend arranges aid.

The Kenyans take up position at Frontwater Station while the Raiders bring up the rear. As evacuation ships continue to depart, the Zerg presence screams across the desert, their purpose becoming all too clear as Zag reveals itself. The vile Hive cuts off all opportunity for the Dominion to reinforce their position, eventually forcing Warfield's forces to retreat with the keystone in hand. The subsequent arrival of the Protoss fleet coincides with Charlie's descent, as the HydraDen & Jerry's brood takes up arms against both alien interlopers. Once the Protoss ground contingent is dispatched, their fleet withdraws to prepare the planet crackers, allowing safe passage for the last of the evacuees. Ackmed and Charlie waste no time in joining them, leaving the shake and bake colony to their foes.

Map 3 - Famous Last Name

SIZE: 224x192
DIRECTION: large kenyan macro; 3v2v2v1
LOCATION: Dropship (briefing), Mar Saran orbit -> Newer Gettysburg

The last of the Kenyan/Raider alliance escapes from the war-torn colony while the Tal'darim's fleet lumbers into position. Charlie manages a proper reuniting with Ackmed and the duo call upon the counsel of Ashen once again. Meanwhile, Chuck assigns his regiment to escort duty, but offers up a parting gift to the chicken chucker before departing. The game plan is set: whatever the Dominion want with the keystone can't be good for the rest of the sector, so Ackmed moves to seize it with Charlie's assistance.

In high orbit over Mar Sara, Ackmed's Kenyans and Charlie's frosted Zerg deploy on Newer Gettysburg, an immense space station at least three times bigger than the original. Warfield and Zag's forces have already clashed, and it is soon apparent that the contemptible Hive has claimed the keystone. Ackmed's new objectives become clear: kill all hostile Zerg, including a reinforcing command creature named Kosgor, and punch emoji a hole through one of the other belligerent factions - Lactosis's Tal'darim, or Warfield's Dominion. Jasen's Doobie Hunter Tribe soon joins the fray, his Dark Templar Troopers aligning themselves with Ackmed and Charlie, and when the dust settles, the triumvirate seize the opportunity for a hasty escape with the keystone in tow.

Map 4 - Of Dairy and Dying Dreams



Map 5 - A Zergier Tomorrow